This blog was inspired by Ruth Landis' insights about Inclusion. You can read about how each of us, based on our Enneagram style, can be more exclusive than inclusive, restricting our capacity to be all of what we are capable of being. Whether we are a leader, coach, consultant, trainer, parent, or friend, Inclusion is central to our growth and expansion.
Inclusion Activity by Ruth Landis, Senior Member of The Enneagram in Business Network:
Our lives are enriched by diversity. Our lives are diminished by limiting ourselves to the belief that our point of view is the only right one. Each time you disagree with someone today, pause and explore how they may be right. What if, for one moment, you could loosen the grip of your belief and fully see the truth of theirs? What have you gained? Have you lost anything? Also try experimenting with inclusion in a physical sense. How can you hold your own space with awareness and include in your field of awareness all that is around you: the environment, others? Do you get bigger when practicing inclusion?
Inclusion and Enneagram Styles
I’ve added the following to help us understand how our Enneagram styles can block our capacity to be inclusive and what we can each do to open and expand through inclusivity.
Enneagram Style One
An obstacle to inclusion: believing with certainty that your opinions are correct.
To become more inclusive, listen more openly and far longer to opinions that differ from yours, and ask yourself: "What can I learn from this idea?"
Enneagram Style Two
An obstacle to inclusion: rejecting those whose fundamental values differ from your own.
To become more inclusive, breathe, relax, and embrace the humanity of those who have values that differ from yours; get to know these people, too.
Enneagram Style Three
An obstacle to inclusion: excluding others who appear tentative, uncertain, and not confident.
To become more inclusive, admit – first to yourself, then to others – your own tentativeness, uncertainty, and lack of inner confidence.
Enneagram Style Four
An obstacle to inclusion: wanting so dearly to be understood and connected, then excluding yourselves when you are not.
To become more inclusive, stay connected with others, especially when you begin to feel disconnected from them because they disagree with you; recognize that it is often you, not them, doing the disconnection.
Enneagram Style Five
An obstacle to inclusion: isolating yourselves from others.
To become more inclusive, engage with others emotionally as well as mentally.
Enneagram Style Six
An obstacle to inclusion: worrying or becoming fearful that a strongly different point of view is a threat to you personally or to the relationship.
To become more inclusive, go for daily walks, breathing in deeply, and enjoy all of your surroundings to ground yourself in your body.
Enneagram Style Seven
An obstacle to inclusion: needing so incessantly to be listened to yourself that you discard or don’t fully hear differing points of view.
To become more inclusive, listen more than you speak, especially to others who, for any reason, do not command your attention. Ask questions of others, not to disqualify differing perspectives, but to understand them fully.
Enneagram Style Eight
An obstacle to inclusion: trusting your gut responses to other people and ideas too readily and too often without considering the perspectives of others.
To become more inclusive, be especially open to people you may ordinarily dismiss for any reason. Perhaps you don’t trust them because they are more indirect than you. Maybe they remind you of someone with whom you have had a negative prior experience.
Enneagram Style Nine
An obstacle to inclusion: appearing inclusive externally, but being less so internally.
To become more inclusive: see and experience people for who they are, rather than acting inclusively toward those with whom you feel comfortable, and being pleasant but disengaged with those who you feel no affinity with. People with whom you feel uncomfortable may have the most to teach you.
This is the third of a twelve part series titled “Enneagram Insights.”
WORLDVIEW: There is profound despair from our lack of deep connections: I must re-establish these.
FOURS desire deep contact with their own interior worlds and with other people, feeling most alive when they authentically express their personal experiences and feelings.
Individualistic, emotionally sensitive, and creative, Fours seek deep meaning, authentic connections, and they tend to idealize that which seems unavailable, being especially attuned to what is missing in their complex worlds. Focusing on their internal experiences as a way of understanding and finding meaning, Fours seek to be deeply understood and want to be perceived as unique, special, or different.
Although all Fours have a special connection to suffering and have robust, complex inner lives full of nuance and symbolism, some Fours are hyper-active and risk-taking, silently enduring their suffering as a badge of virtue; some Fours are hypersensitive and more despairing, wanting to be accepted unconditionally for who they are; and other Fours exhibit a flair for the dramatic and engage in extreme competition with others in hopes of winning, thus minimizing their sense of not being good enough.
In the following YouTube segments, short clips that reveal two famous Fours – Princess Diana and Anthony Hopkins – you will see the Four interpersonal style very clearly. They combine an abundance of self-referencing language – that is, the extensive use of words such as I, me, my, and mine and the frequency of personal stories – with body language that communicates that they are in their own world even as they talk to another person. Listen to their emotion-laden and metaphoric language and observe the way in which they use their eyes and make (or don’t make) eye contact with their interviewers.
Note: Some Enneagram teachers believe Diana is a Two or a Six, and this could be the case. However, this video segment suggests otherwise. For example, Diana seems relatively at ease talking about her personal issues in public (most Twos would wince at the idea of revealing so much about themselves). Similarly, she does not manifest the palpable anxiety that would be expected of a Six discussing such a delicate and volatile issue.
Remember: While we can all suffer at times and almost everyone wants to be understood, for Fours, the pursuit of deep experiences and connection and the avoidance of rejection or feeling not-good enough is their primary, persistent, and driving motivation.
In this segment, Diana discusses her heartbreak, analyzes the palace dynamics, and explains herself and her motivations. There is a coy, self-conscious, and deeply sad undertone to this interview.
Watch Hopkins discuss the film, Slipstream, which he both wrote and directed that appears to be an original creation of his mind alone. While he talks to the audience, he is also talking to himself, trying to express his complex ideas about humanity and consciousness in ways that can be understood. In a sense, he comes across as highly authentic but also highly conscious of self.
WORLDVIEW: There is a lack of flow or order to how things work: I must create results.
THREES organize their lives around achieving specific goals in order to appear successful and to gain the respect and admiration of others.
High energy, confident, and achievement oriented, Enneagram Threes focus on results that will bring them the respect of others and efficient and effective plans for accomplishing these goals. As a result, they create a persona of success, but often at the expense of being completely genuine, often losing touch with their deeper feelings and confusing their “public” image with their real selves.
The success orientation and constant need to have goals and plans is common among all Threes, but there are some differences. While some Threes are highly self-reliant, strive to be the model of a “good” heart and create an image of being authentic and having no image, other Threes try to create an image of having high status, prestige, and being important by way of their credentials and high-influence friends. There are also Threes who focus more on creating an image of being extremely attractive in a highly masculine or feminine way and have less need for visibility and a greater desire for privacy.
In the following YouTube segments, short clips that reveal two famous Threes – Sharon Stone and Tiger Woods – you will see the Three interpersonal style very clearly. In these tapes, Stone is viewed partly from the side whereas Woods is seen full-faced, but both convey a strong, deliberate, and confident stage presence, conveying their ideas in a well-conceived and highly self-assured way. It is likely that Stone knew in advance what would be asked while Woods may not have been given forewarning.
Remember: While we can all be results-oriented and have difficulty differentiating who we appear to be from who we really are, for Threes, striving for success and the avoidance of failure is their primary, persistent, and driving motivation.
In this short segment, David Letterman interviews Sharon Stone, referring to her twice as “lovely,” which may say as much about him as about her. In addition to her speaking style and body language, notice how she chooses to answer the question he asks about her children.
Watch Tiger Woods relish talking about the thrill of competition and success, all the while keeping him composure and self-control. In addition, compare Woods’s attitude about competition to that of his mother, who is also interviewed and is most likely an Enneagram style Eight or One.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, why not write about the Enneagram and relationships? Every time I work with companies on the business applications of Enneagram, someone always asks me this question: Which Enneagram styles have the best [romantic, enduring, most satisfying] relationships with each other? And I always give the same answer: “Just as no style has a monopoly on leadership greatness, so it is that any two Enneagram styles can have a relationship that suits them. It really depends on what they want from a relationship. What matters most is that both individuals are at a similar level of self-mastery (psychological development): high, medium, or low.” When both individuals are low in self-mastery – that is, they are highly reactive, tend to blame others for their own predicaments, and engage in highly limited self-reflection – the relationship will be predictably volatile with a great deal of arguing, drama, and blame. But for some people, this dynamic may feel like love to them.
When both individuals have medium self-mastery – for example, they are self-aware to a degree, but primarily when they are under great duress; for the most part, they go about their daily lives with limited time for or interest in self-reflection – they typically have what most of us would call “normal” relationships. These are filled with ups and downs, phases of joy and times of difficulty, satisfaction at certain moments and dissatisfaction at others. But when two individuals are high in self- mastery -- demonstrating an ongoing commitment to their own awareness and growth -- they take responsibility for their own behavior, are aware and articulate about their own feelings and thoughts, and engage in limited blame of others. These relationships enhance both people, fostering their continued development, increasing expansiveness, and their individuality. What doesn’t work well is when the two individuals are at different levels of self-mastery or when one partner is growing much faster than the other, leaving him or her far behind. These unbalanced relationships ultimately leave both people deeply dissatisfied.  But, the Enneagram can help predict who individuals tend to be attracted to for long-term relationships and why they are attracted to one another. In general, although people of the same style may like each another, they are often so similar that there is not enough difference to ignite what is termed “chemistry.” At the same time, people are attracted to others whom they understand and who they believe understand them. As a result, people are often attracted to people of their wings (the styles on either side numerically of their own style) or arrows (the style numbers pointing toward or away from their own style through arrow lines). This is because we often possess some of the characteristics of our wing and arrow styles, and this creates a common ground of understanding.
There are also some attractions between two styles that share neither wings nor arrows. Some of the most common are Twos and Fives, Fours and Sevens, Fours and Eights, and Sixes and Eights. The Two-Five attraction is often based on the Five liking the Two’s warmth and focus on the relationship -- something Fives exhibit intermittently – and the Two relishing being the one who can draw the Five out for interpersonal engagement. This same basis for attraction can also become the cause of tension, with Fives feeling invaded by Twos and Twos feeling they are being shut out by the Five. Fours and Sevens may be drawn to one another on the basis of their common avoidance of boredom, their pleasure in creativity and adventure, and the idea that “opposites attract.” Fours believe that enduring pain and suffering is part of the human experience, while Sevens perceive these things as negative experiences that can and should be avoided, usually through positive thinking. In the long run, however, Sevens can feel dragged down by Fours, and Fours can view Sevens as avoidant and not serious enough. The Four-Eight relationship will undoubtedly be intense and involve high drama as both Fours and Eights like to engage their partners with full steam ahead, although Fours can eventually feel overwhelmed by the Eight’s energy, and Eights can end up perceiving Fours as overly vulnerable and sensitive. The Six-Eight relationship most often occurs between phobic (fearful) Sixes and Eights, with the Eight relishing the role of being the Six’s protector and the Six appreciating having the Eight as a source of refuge and safety. But what happens when the Six no longer wants or needs protection? To have a healthy, satisfying relationship, the place to start is really with yourself. Once you are on the development road, you attract people closer to your level of self-mastery, and you tend to be more attracted to people who are also working on themselves. You can give yourself the self-mastery gift for Valentine’s Day, rather than waiting for cupid’s arrow to strike you. Cupid has been known to misfire.
If John Edwards’s behavior were not so unconscionable, I might feel sorry for him. But clearly, he has been his own undoing, going from famous and respected politician, husband, and father – at least, in some circles – to pariah, who duped his family and the American public. What if he had been the Democratic presidential or vice-presidential nominee? A house of cards, he fell faster than a bullet train, but how and why did this happen?
The Enneagram can help explain the character (or lack thereof) of the man as well as his fall into rampant deceit. All politicians can fall into disgrace, but the way in which they do so is intricately interwoven with their Enneagram style. In addition, the way they behave prior to, during, and after their freefall is directly related to their level of psychological self-mastery within their Enneagram style – that is, low, medium or high self-mastery. Not all Threes act like John Edwards, who is clearly functioning at a level of narcissism and deception that is most common in Threes who are at the bottom, the low self-mastery level.
John Edwards: Enneagram Three
So what do we know about Enneagram Threes such as John Edwards? They organize their lives to achieve specific goals so they will appear successful in the eyes of others and receive both admiration and respect. Unless they do a great deal of self-development work, this focus on goals, plans, success, and the creation of an image of a “winner” is, more often than not, at the expense of self-reflection, self-honesty, and their family.
About John Edwards
Always looking the “winner,” with his flashy smile and $400 haircuts, even in time of duress, Edwards looks “put together,” confident, and as if everything is going his way – that is, until he gets caught hiding in the Beverly Hilton Hotel’s men’s room as he surreptitiously visits his new daughter. With his eye on the presidency, then the vice presidency, then attorney general or secretary of state, he is relentless in pursuit of position, holding court to both Clinton and Obama as they succor for his endorsement.
The Three’s Passion: Deceit
“Deceit” is the emotional pattern of Threes – in Enneagram language, the pattern is called the “passion” or “vice” associated with the type -- and this includes deceiving others by playing roles rather than being real, not disclosing information that could make them look bad, and, when they are up against the wall, outright lying. Even more, the deceit involves self-deceit. Over time, they come to believe that the image they have worked so hard to create is who they really are. Their lives become a series of press releases that they believe are true, and their deceit is used in the service of maintaining their image of success and avoiding failure at all cost.
John Edwards long list of deceits It was a one-night stand. She’s not my [love] child. Andrew Young is the father. No money was paid to her from campaign funds. Keep Rielle away from Elizabeth. I love my wife. I’m renewing my wedding vows. I’m a man of integrity and family values. I speak for those who have no voice. I did not beat my cancer-stricken wife (oops, he hasn’t said that yet!) even though I used her cancer to catapult my candidacy (oops, that didn’t work!).
Self-Mastery Levels for Threes
The three self-mastery levels offer insight into what John Edwards has become, where he likely was for more of his life, and what he could have been.
The following description of low self-mastery for Enneagram Threes, taken from my book What Type of Leader Are You?, aptly describes the John Edwards we know today.
Low Self-Mastery: The Calculator Core fear: Extreme fear of failure, since failure would make a Three feel that he or she has no value. At the lowest level of self-mastery, Threes may be described as phony, self-serving, opportunistic, and a variety of other adjectives that are often used to depict people who go after whatever they want (usually, the external trappings of success – e.g., money, status, and fame) with little regard for anyone or anything that stands in their way. Although they become extremely isolated, these Threes hide their inner emptiness by believing that they actually are the image or faƧade they have created. However, that image is only a shell masking a hollow interior.
Was Edwards always like the description above? Perhaps in some ways, but more likely, he was operating from the mid-level of self-mastery described below. Why? Because had he been so low in self-mastery for all of his life, it is highly doubtful he would have been as successful as he was and he would have been caught in his deceptions before now.
Moderate Self-Mastery: The Star Core concern: Feeling successful, avoiding failure, and gaining the respect of others. At the mid-level of self-mastery, Threes focus on goals and work, usually at the expense of their relationships. Driven and competitive, they seek recognition and have a need to outdistance their rivals. Although Threes at this level often appear friendly, they are most often motivated by their desire for success. Many times, what looks like an emotional response from them is more the kind of response that they believe a person in their situation should have, not an authentic reaction. At times, even they wonder who they really are.
What caused the decline in John Edwards? Perhaps it was power combined with age and John Edwards was thinking this: I did it because I could. I did it to prove I was still vital. In the end, the reasons are less important; the havoc he raised with behavior take center stage. But John Edwards, had he chosen to pursue growth and self-mastery, could have become president one day. And he would have been like this:
High Self-Mastery: The Believer Core understanding: Everyone has intrinsic value, and there is a natural flow and order to everything. Threes with high self-mastery have looked inside themselves to find out who they really are (apart from what they accomplish) and what they truly feel (instead of masking their emotions). Willing to admit that they don’t always feel on top of things and that they have foibles like everyone else, these Threes possess a contagious enthusiasm, genuineness, and confidence. Moreover, they are deeply spontaneous, because they understand that it is not their responsibility to make sure everything happens efficiently and effectively.
The Triangle
So is John Edwards the ultimate villain, Elizabeth the victim, and Rielle Hunter the vixen? While it is easy and convenient to blame the scoundrel, life is more complex than this, with each person playing a role. The Enneagram can also help us here:
Elizabeth Edwards Elizabeth Edwards is most likely an Enneagram style Two; Rielle Hunter is most likely an Enneagram style Seven. These are hunches on my part, and here’s why. Enneagram Twos create an image of being likeable, want to be liked by certain people - those they like, important or influential people, and those in need - and even when they have clear capabilities, prefer to orchestrate behind the scene rather than to be at the visible forefront. When they love someone or at least are highly attached to the person and think that’s love, Twos will stand by this person until they have had more than even they can take. Another way of explaining this is that Twos have difficulty setting clear boundaries between themselves and those to whom they are close and have great difficulty saying no to them, using emotional repression not to “rock the boat”. Repression means they stuff their feelings so they don’t experience them as fully as they actually feel them. Eventually they erupt in an explosive way.
With Elizabeth Edwards, she stood by her man beyond what most of us could have tolerated. It was obvious to the rest of us that John Edwards was the father of his disowned child, that the Hunter affair was not a one night stand, and that Andrew Young was not the father. Elizabeth Edwards, however, may well have believed her husband simply because she wanted to. But after he had to publically acknowledge more of what he had done, then allegedly took her wallet and later beat her, she had had enough and she was done. Such is the way with Twos, staying longer than they should, not setting strong boundaries with clear consequences for others who violate them, repressing their feelings – especially anger – until these accumulate into rage, and doing it all because their self-worth is intertwined with being indispensable to the “other,” whether the other is a beloved and/or a person of prestige and influence.
Rielle Hunter As a likely Enneagram Seven, Rielle Hunter would be seeking stimulation, excitement, newness, even enjoying the adrenalin rush that comes with playing life on the edge, and that she certainly has done. Sevens get bored easily, moving from experience to experience, job to job, and person to person in their search for something novel to grab their attention. Hunter’s resume reads like a Seven, with an abundance of diverse career pursuits: an award winning equestrian, a party girl, then film maker, videographer, character in a Jay McInerney novel, viral marketer, self-proclaimed psychic, spiritualist or holy woman. Always thinking – about ideas, new things, future plans – Sevens are often challenged when it comes to empathy or putting yourself in the shoes of another. At times, they may think they know how someone feels, but can’t really feel it. And when their narcissism clicks in -- It’s all about me and getting what I want, since I am the center of the universe! – any inkling of empathy soon dissolves. This helps explain why, when John Edwards had to miss Hunter’s birthday because Elizabeth Edward’s cancer had reoccurred, Hunter allegedly screamed at John Edwards rather than showed any compassion for his ailing wife. Elizabeth Edwards was, once again, in her way.
Summary So there it is: a narcissistic, low self-mastery Three (John), married to a Two woman who intertwines herself with important men for her sense of self-worth (Elizabeth), with a narcissistic new-age guru looking for fun (Rielle) to round out the triangle. Could it have turned out differently? Yes, but only if any of the three characters had engaged in self-development work and was on a higher road to self-mastery. Any one of them doing so would have created a different and more positive outcome. Unfortunately, they did not.
This blog was inspired by Ruth Landis' insights about Intention. You can read about how each of us, based on our Enneagram styles, tend to move away from intentionality, blocking our capacity to be all of what we are capable of being. Whether you are a leader, coach, consultant, trainer, parent, or friend, intention is crucial to your ability to fully manifest your desires.
Intention Activity by Ruth Landis, Senior Member of The Enneagram in Business Network:
 Intention is having an honest awareness of what it is you want to manifest and moving yourself with commitment in that direction. Intention comes from clarity and claiming what already awaits you. Intentionality is powerful, but we must bring it into our consciousness and not take it for granted. Try pausing at the threshold of each doorway you walk through today, and bring your full attention to your deepest, most honest intention. Stay connected to that intention by remembering it several times. Your intention might change or remain the same as you walk through the next doorway.
Intention and Enneagram Styles
I’ve added the following to help us understand how our Enneagram styles can block our capacity to manifest out intentions and what we can each do to be more clear and honest about our intentions.
Enneagram Style One
An obstacle to intention: confusing your immediate gut-reaction with intention.
To become more intentional, ask your heart what it is you truly want.
Enneagram Style Two
An obstacle to intention: caring about helping others to manifest their intentions instead of focusing on your own desires.
To become more intentional, ask yourself what you really want 10 times per day.
Enneagram Style Three
An obstacle to intention: using social referents to determine what your intentions should be rather than what you truly want.
To become more intentional, ask yourself about your true desires and goals, rather than what you believe to be socially desirable or worthy of social respect.
Enneagram Style Four
An obstacle to intention: becoming unsettled by too many shifting intentions.
To become more intentional, remember that beneath your perceived desires are your real ones. Ask yourself about your desires behind your current wishes.
Enneagram Style Five An obstacle to intention: not believing that you can truly have all you deeply desire.
To become more intentional, acknowledge that your belief in “scarcity” of energy, time and resources is merely a belief. Challenge your mental model.
Enneagram Style Six
An obstacle to intention: assuming that you can’t execute your intentions effectively.
To become more intentional, use your vivid imagination to see yourself manifesting your intentions. Pick one deep desire and without doubting its validity, imagine yourself manifesting this intention for 3 minutes. Do this 3 times per day. The next day, select another desire and repeat the above process, and so forth.
Enneagram Style Seven
An obstacle to intention: spinning internally from one intention to another.
To become more intentional, Keep focused on one desire at a time. Make sure it is something you truly want by asking your gut if this is so.
Enneagram Style Eight
An obstacle to intention: confusing your need to make big things happen with your deeper, truer and most fundamental intentions.
To become more intentional, ask yourself what it is you truly want, then experiment with manifesting through your intention rather than pushing forward with great effort. Learn to allow rather than force.
Enneagram Style Nine
An obstacle to intention: not believing that you deserve to manifest your desires or intentions.
To become more intentional, allow yourself to really want something that is important to you, and imagine yourself creating, generating, and manifesting this. Focus on this imagining activity multiple times each day, using the same desire, until you have fully embodied it.
This is the second of a twelve part series titled “Enneagram Insights”.
 WORLDVIEW: The world is full of suffering and need: I must help alleviate this.
TWOS want to be liked and appealing, try to meet the needs of others,
and attempt to orchestrate the people and events in their lives.
Optimistic, generous, and emphatic, Twos focus on the needs and behavior of others far more than on their own needs and desires, often developing an intuitive ability to know how to best support others in achieving their dreams or in minimizing their suffering. It can be misleading to think that all Twos want everyone with whom they come in contact to like them. A more accurate understanding is that Twos want, and even expect, the people they want to like them to respond favorably, but don’t care at all if people they dislike don’t find the Two appealing. What is true of almost all Twos is that they can become extremely distressed when someone whose opinion or affection they care about perceives them in a negative way.
Most Twos appear warm and are good listeners offering advice that they hope and expect others will take. Some Twos appear vulnerable, even childlike as if needing protection; other Twos exhibit more assertiveness, focusing their efforts to help or move groups or institutions in a forward direction; and other Twos derive their sense of value and importance by becoming indispensible to special individuals in their lives.
In the following YouTube segments, these short clips reveal two famous Enneagram Style Twos, Sally Field and Bill Cosby. You will see the Two interpersonal style very clearly; both Field and Cosby speak softly, have gentle voices and are clearly engaged in relationship with their interviewers. For example, they both respond with gracefulness and timeliness to the questions asked; neither talking over or interrupting the interviewer nor waiting more than a second to address the issues raised thus reducing the social awkwardness of the gap of silence. At the same time, both Field and Cosby appear somewhat self-effacing or possibly uncomfortable. This may be the result of the fact that the focus is on them, and most Twos prefer not to be in the public view.
Remember: While we can all be thoughtful and want others to value us, for Twos, the search for appreciation and the avoidance of feeling unworthy is their primary, persistent, and driving motivation.
Sally Field - Click here to see clip
While the most obvious video that reflects Sally Field’s Enneagram Style Two sentiments would be her Academy Award acceptance speech – “Oh, you really like me!” – this interview clip very clearly reveals even more. Listen closely to her introduction in which the narrator explains what matters to Field, and pay attention to the discomfort in her face as she receives a compliment from the host, her soft and high-pitched voice tone, almost girl-like even though she is an accomplished actress, and her comments about her own emotionality.
Bill Cosby - Click here to see clip
In response to interviewer Tim Russert’s questions about Cosby’s new book, watch the first part of this short video for Bill Cosby’s soft and reflective voice tone that is simultaneously emotional as he expresses his deeply held values about social issues and how others should treat one another. This is the second blog in a 9-part series on famous people of the 9 Enneagram styles. Check back for future blogs.
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